Good Morning. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a case in which I and my partners will play only a small role. Because in this case the facts are so clear and the chain of reasoning which leads from those facts to the acquittal of our client is so straightforward that all we have to do is lay those facts out before you and our job is done. So if I appear very relaxed, it's true; this case relaxes me.

Six months ago, just a few days after my first interview with Mr. Herns, I did feel the briefest moment of anxiety as a small bat got caught in my hair. Then I remembered the facts of this case. I thought about the coroner's original set of notes--with it's strongly left-leaning descenders--juxtaposed against the penultimate draft of the coroner's conclusory report with its only moderately left-leaning descenders, and once again I was completely relaxed.

And I'm not alone. Earlier this week, my partner, Jim Partner, strode confidently from the parking structure only to have a good sized brown bat get caught in his hair. By the time he reached the office complex, three western mastiff bats and one additional brown bat had joined the original brown bat, but Jim remained perfectly serene.

His secret? Visualization. Visualization of our client's unusually short torso. Visualization of our client, standing, at an above average height, and sitting, at a below average height. Standing--a tall man. Sitting-- not a very tall man. Thus, Jim's serenity.

It seems almost as if anxiety were a Tershtustiund gerschustafrenda and this case were Hunghstoftkngng and "Tershtustiund Gerschustafrenda" were an incorrect pronunciation of "Thompson's Gazelle" and "Hungschtoftknnng" were a...well just a more fun way to say "cheetah," the primary predator of the Thompson's Gazelle.

But let's examine the facts from another angle. Roy Fick. Our regular copy machine technician. Normally he's reliable as lard, but were we to at this moment go up into our offices and make a simple copy of a simple document you would notice on that copy image ghosting and poor focus. This despite the fact that Roy worked on that machine the day before yesterday. He couldn't finish the job. He started, then quit after receiving three bites from the powerful jaws of a Kimoto Dragon, one of which partially severed his Achilles tendon.

I fashioned a tourniquet from a shoestring and some piece of something, applied it, then outlined for Roy the facts of this case, focusing particular attention on the fact that we have signed prosecutorial witness testimony stating that from the apartment next door to our client there could be heard, quote, "a kind of undulating kind of… undulation or like a wom wom wom sort of sound." Unquote. Undulating or wom wom wom.

Roy relaxed. The paramedics pronounced him dead, wrongly, and would only attempt resuscitation after they too were informed of the basic facts of this case. And of the fact that Roy had been informed of them. And that he had spent many hours in our offices and might be expected to identify with us to some extent and thus be relaxed, conceivably to the point where life signs are imperceptible, by that which relaxes us.

That's Roy's story, but what about Phil? Phil who? Phil something, one of our research assistant interns. Phil did not work on this case. Nor did he attend work related social functions, despite invitations. He therefore had no awareness at all of our client's very special foot. Phil was killed by some iguanas.

Thank you for your kind attention.